Pretty self explanatory.
[Thanks, Schlak! Via Fancy Pipes!]]

This is amazing. From Shark Attack 3. I should have used this line on Saturday night.

These guys are worse than the Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew. And that’s what makes them all that much better. Notice how they have women to be cheerleaders, but not to represent any of the grocery brands. And keep an eye out for “Mr Clutch”, he’s my favorite.

[Thanks, DK!]

I was seriously considering naming this post “How I know 2009 will be an incredible year.” Why? Well, I finally re-found the video below. It’s one of my favorites, purely because of the weirdness of 1:08, but the lyrics help. “When I was made in secret”? Really? Weird.

If you want more info about this dude, click here.

Anyway, I saw it years ago (Maybe 3 or 4 years ago?), and have recently been trying to find it again. Every couple months I’ll spend a solid 15-30 minutes googling, then I’d get tired and pissed off. My issue was that I thought there was a puppet involved with that weird voice. Nope, just a weird mulleted man. Anyway, I can only thank Google and the following words for helping me find this gem: fat christian singing high voice.

I wasn’t meant to find it in ‘08. I see that now. 2009’s gonna be a GREAT year.

EXCITED UPDATE: Apparently Lil Markie was a character, an unborn fetus who was aborted! How do I know? His LIVE JOURNAL from ‘04!!! You read that right. Livejournal. Old school. Anyway, hate to ruin the surprise, but the journal ends with “Today my mother killed me.” AMAZING! Way to break the fourth wall, Markie. If we wanted to believe that Lil Markie could be blogging, it should have ended with “My mom just said ‘I’m on the way to the abortion clinic.’”

EXCITED UPDATE #2: Read the comments on the Livejournal. Amazing. Here’s a good example: “Wait, where is the rest of the journal? I want to read the entries from this point forward, where Lil’ Markie descends into the underworld, teams up with other aborted fetuses, and starts Ghost Fetus Fighting Squad to battle against the Many-Tentacled Abortion Feind [sic]“. [Thanks, Matt, for pointing that out]

There are so many amazing old school TV intros. But “Gimme a Break” and the shimmying Nell Carter should definitely be part of that discussion.

This guy is amazing. He’s the same no matter what he’s selling. It’s always the greatest product ever. And they always have two words stuck together like ShamWow or SlapChop. Although I don’t think this one’s made in Germany, at least the free “Graty” is perfect for fettucini, linguine, martini…

Although I think he’s a little down in the dumps. Some proof:

• “This tuna’s boring. Stop having boring tuna, stop having a boring life.”
• “Life’s hard enough as it is. You don’t want to cry anymore” [about onions]

Finally, some other really quick favorite parts, in no particular order:

• The sound effect after he throws the store-bought chopper for being worthless.
• The arrow to point out the skin on the onion, just in case you can’t see it.
• “You’re gonna have an exciting life now” while he’s still talking about the tuna.
• The sparkling chopped fruit.

There are some great suggestions in this video for how to meet a man. For example, you could carry a book with an unusual title, or wear a t-shirt with a slogan. You could even carry a small stuffed animal: that’s SURE to get men interested in you!

Also, did you know that 40% of men suffer from shyness? And up to 80% of men have been shy at one point in their lives? These are some real statistics people. Please enjoy this video from our friends at Everything is Terrible.

[Thanks, Lucia!]

Do you need something stored? A car, ugly luggage, or even an AK-47? You should give Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage a call. They’re having a limited time drunk sale.

[Thanks, Shannon]

We may laugh at these old people who don’t know their way around the interconnected webs, but at least the old woman in the video can use her mouse. When I was younger, I taught old people how to use computers, and this one woman just didn’t get the mouse. She would bring it to her mouth and say what she wanted to do. Not making this up.

[Where else would I have found this? Giz.>